Mourning
by lella7
Summary: After a rescue attempt goes wrong, Marlene McKinnon is falling apart at the seams. A visit from her friend Lily allows her to vent. Written for the Jessica Jones Dialogues Prompt Challenge on the HPFC forum. Rated T for language.


Mourning

There was yet another knock at the door. Marlene wished her family would leave her alone, she had thought they had given up on trying to cheer her up. The knocking grew more and more insistent.

"Marlene, if you don't unlock this door, I'm going to blast it in."

Marlene jumped a little at the unexpected voice and waved her wand in the direction of the door. It flew open very suddenly to reveal a surprised looking Lily Potter behind.

"Hi," Lily said brightly, stepping into the room. "Apparently no one's heard from you for about a week, so I thought I'd check you were alive."

"How did you get in?" Marlene narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"Your brother let me in."

"Did he ask a security question?"

"Yup," Lily replied with a smirk. "But I'd say that if I were a disguised Death Eater, wouldn't I?"

"Fine. What's your cat's name?"

"Artemis. Named after the Greek goddess of hunting because she's always bringing home lovely little presents for me." Lily grimaced. "Who did you have a crush on for most of our second year?"

Marlene glared at her. "That's not the question we agreed on."

"More fun though."

"For you maybe." Lily was still looking at her expectantly. "Ok, it was Martin Miggs, the comic book character. I was _twelve_." Marlene rolled her eyes and lobbed a pillow at the now cackling Lily.

"Charming." Lily said, catching it and seating herself on the end of Marlene's bed. It felt oddly familiar, as if they were both back at school, just having a laugh. Given what had just happened, everything felt surreal and out of place.

"Well now that we've got those entirely unnecessary questions out of the way…" Marlene began before Lily cut her off.

"They aren't unnecessary, they're an important precaution," Lily said with a hint of sarcasm. "Constant vigilance and all that."

"Yeah, speaking of important precautions, I thought you were supposed to be in hiding," Marlene said pointedly.

"Dumbledore thinks You-Know-Who's out of the country," Lily said with a shrug.

"So he said you were completely safe and could leave your hidey-hole, then?"

"Not exactly."

"I thought not."

"Well I was hardly going to stay put when I found out my best friend's stopped going to meetings and won't leave her room," Lily snapped.

"They can't possibly still want me in the Order after what I've done," Marlene grunted back. She was a little surprised that Lily herself wasn't shunning her.

"Don't be ridiculous, of course we still want you, none of this was your fault."

"How can you say that? You weren't even there."

"I know that literally no one expected You-Know-Who and about ten Death Eaters to show up, so you can't be blamed for what they did. Now I didn't come here to listen to all your guilt and misery so get out of bed."

She grabbed at Marlene's bedcovers, but Marlene had no intention of moving. She didn't understand why Lily was being so harsh, she'd expected her to realise how awful this felt. Because of her, five people were dead. Five people she'd never met before, who would have been safe had she not interfered. And everyone seemed to be acting like she was going through a bad break up.

"Come on Marlene, you stink, when did you last take a bath?" asked Lily, still wrestling with her bedcovers.

"I'm a piece of shit and shit stinks," Marlene hissed.

Lily's hands went limp and she looked up at Marlene with all the frustration gone from her face. "You really believe that, don't you?" she said in a hollow voice.

"Yes, because it's true." Marlene flung herself back down and covered her face.

"Marlene, you're not a piece of shit, you're one of the kindest, most caring people I know. You went to that house to help. Because you care and because you're brave."

"Don't be ridiculous, I'm not brave, I ran away as soon as they k-k-killed that little girl." Marlene's throat began to tighten and she blinked to hold back the tears as the girl's face came into her mind as clearly as if she was in the room with them.

"Only because you knew you didn't stand a chance, you'd be dead too if you hadn't escaped when you did."

"You wouldn't have left," Marlene replied, her voice trembling. "You, and everyone else in the Order, would've stayed and fought and died, and you don't need a coward like me."

"You can't know that, no one knows how they're going to react in a situation like that until they're in it. And believe me, I've done plenty of running away. Look, I'm sorry if I was being insensitive earlier but I have to make light of things otherwise I'd fall apart. And I'm not going to watch you fall apart either because this isn't the first or last time you're going to see people die."

"First time it's entirely my fault though. The Death Eaters were tracking me, if I hadn't gone to that house, they might never have found that family and they might've been safe."

"And in the meantime the Death Eaters would've found other innocent muggles and muggle-borns to kill." Lily gave Marlene's shoulder a squeeze and tears began to fall thick and fast down Marlene's cheeks.

"She was seven years old, Lily," Marlene sobbed. "I watched her playing on this street with the muggle kids in the neighbourhood every day. I saw her do things… it was so clear she was a witch but it was obvious her family and friends didn't have a clue. And I just thought… this war has nothing to do with her and she's going to end up getting sucked in. And she had a brother and sister even younger than her, and Merlin knows if they had magic too, but I just wanted to get them out of the country. I was just trying to… to…"

Lily hugged her. "I know, Marlene, you were trying to help. And that's why we need you, because you care enough to never give in or stand by and watch people suffer."

Marlene finally saw that her friend did understand what she felt. She understood perhaps too well.

"I think we're all going to have a lot to mourn if we ever get through this."


End file.
